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Wednesday, February 19th, 2014
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7:38 pm - site metrics
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2008
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1:23 pm - pineapple express
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we're taking my parents to maui with us! (we're covering the place, they're getting their own flights.) i originally wanted to do this when my dad retired a few years back. it didn't work out then because we have to plan far in advance, and he didn't know exactly when he was going to retire until about a month before he did. but now, coming up on a milestone birthday for him, it's a good time. ...and he's been wanting to go back forever. (they've gone to the big island and to kauai a few times each, but not back to maui). i was worried that if we didn't take them with us soon, they'd go on their own, and it just wouldn't be the same. they haven't been back to maui in over 20 years. the last time was when they took me and my brother, so it will be nice to return the favor. that fact alone makes the trip twice as fun to think about.
current mood:  happy
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(make a sound)
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| Monday, August 11th, 2008
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9:37 pm - another month goes by...
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...and things are good. the same, similar, and good. i'm more comfortable in my own skin these days. still busy, still frustrated, but better equipped to handle it. i've been easier on myself in my down time, too. relaxation for its own sake is a worthy pursuit indeed.
current mood:  okay
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(make a sound)
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| Friday, July 11th, 2008
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11:50 am - longest hiatus ever
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i'm in a better place these days - a little more accepting of what i can't control. work is busy as always, but differently so. things have sort of evened out around the edges. ...which isn't to say that it doesn't frustrate me every single day, or that i still don't wish i were financially independent. however, for the first time in a long time, things seem somewhat manageable; i can even forget about it for a little while at the end of most days.
was going to go to canada w/ d, but declined the chance. second trip i've turned down lately. the first one was at the height of my stress. this one just comes right in the middle of deadlines, and i couldn't make it work out, as much as i would've liked to. we've still got hawaii planned for early fall, and we're overdue making plans for 2009.
my parents are fine, my brother bought a condo within driving distance and invited us to see it. otherwise, things are very much the same, and that's not a bad thing. this weekend we've got very little planned, and that's how we like it.
i hope everything's going well for my friends in lj-land!
current mood:  working
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(make a sound)
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
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8:55 pm - a month in the life
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i've been in a sad place; so much so that this journal, rather than being an outlet, became something that i had to abandon for awhile. it wasn't a conscious decision - not writing wasn't a choice i made - it just sort of happened. everything had to be stripped away for a time. anything to keep myself running at subsistence level was fine, any overage could not be tolerated by the system.
so, in summary, it hasn't been an easy month. the week i took off from work was necessary. it wasn't a care-free, relaxing time. going back was tough, and every day has been challenging... but sometimes i feel ok. it's odd. i know i'm fighting a war with myself that ultimately i can't win, and the funny thing is... i don't even want to. i want change, but i can't control the variables. there are things that need to happen that i can't control... as if i'd expected any differently.
d is hanging in there. he's had some wins at his current job, but ultimately he wants more. he's been working towards that, and has 2 - no, actually, 3 things in the works. it's just really hard to know if any of them will materialize. we're trying to find ways to do things differently, but it's tough to take when you work so hard at something and don't get results.
for now, travel remains local. some upcoming drives to oc to see family is about all. there are places we'd love to go, but i can't really imagine being away at the moment. hawaii is on deck for our anniversary in the fall.
otherwise, there are so many unknowables. ...i'd better learn to get comfortable with those!
current mood:  sleepy
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(1 tree in a forest | make a sound)
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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2:27 pm - update
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we postponed cancun, which is a relief, more than anything. i just couldn't be there when we have so much at home to contend with. it turns out that we will still be able to go later (albeit with more restrictions), at a time when we're both more relaxed, and maybe even take my parents with us. it will be sooooo much better. MUCH better. there just couldn't be any lying on the beach or floating in the cool, blue carribean when we're worried about, oh, EVERYTHING. that would have been idiotic. i didn't want to be miserable on vacation; sad but true, i would have been.
but i decided to take the week off anyhow! i need it, big time. at my best, i may have a sleek, glossy exerior, but the paint's starting to crack and chip around the edges.
d took today off, too. we cleaned out our craft (read: storage) room yesterday, threw out some things, recycled some things, and donated some more. nothing major - just some things i was holding onto for no good reason. i'm pretty good about purging periodically - it's so freeing, and i'm not a big "stuff" person. we also stopped at the bank, and had a general contractor come over to give us an estimate for what i thought was a minor repair ($$$$aaiiyyee!). later i've got a doctor appointment.
i'm in a general state of anxiety over some very large issues, but trying to capture the tiny bursts of optimism that peek through every now and again. i'm still hoping for good things this year; counting on them, in fact. and now would be a good time.
current mood:  anxious
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(make a sound)
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| Thursday, April 10th, 2008
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9:46 pm
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| Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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10:42 pm
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d had some good things today - a phone interview that went well, and a new contact with excellent potential. after some of the talks we had last night (about how things are going, and how we feel about it [not good]), we needed these today.
friend l stopped by for wine and dinner. i love that my friend feels comfortable calling from 5 minutes out and dropping by, and that i could offer her nothing and we'd be happy just to see each other (i have maybe one other local friend like this, and i treasure them both). nevertheless, i opened a bottle of chianti and made dinner for her (and d). she and d had been stuck, separately, on the 5 for 2 hours 15 and 2 hours 45, respectively. to go 30 miles. ouch!
too much pressure today. the phrase "a black hole of need" occurred to me today, and i think i'll start using it more. : / significant meeting tomorrow. i don't know how i will manage the next few months. i don't know what reserves i have left to draw from.
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(make a sound)
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| Monday, April 7th, 2008
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9:40 pm
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unburdened myself of the knowledge of what's to come (at work). there is agreement that we need planning, schedules, resources, etc. so, great... now what? the outlook isn't yet clear, but i may actually sleep again sometime this century. i'm relieved to know that i won't be expected to deliver the world on a silver platter in just three short months; however, i'm still stressed about what lies ahead.
current mood:  stressed
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(make a sound)
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| Sunday, April 6th, 2008
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10:45 pm
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friend k called and said that we had plans to go get ice cream. see, i was supposed to know about these plans, even though we hadn't made them yet. that was ok by me, though, because i needed the break (and apparently i didn't miss anything at the event d went to without me). i caught her up on my work issues, my health issues... and she caught me up on hers. more often than not she does the talking and i do the listening, but tonight it was more balanced, even tipped in my favor. because of the timing, i half expect my mom put her up to it. (i was pretty down earlier.) either way, it was a good thing... only now i feel like i should be doing more, and i'm not. i just hope i can get a good night's sleep tonight. i'll need it to start off the week right.
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(make a sound)
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7:04 pm
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probably 4 hours or so today - i shouldn't have stopped paying attention to the time. not that there's any such thing as "comp time" ...just to feel good about having done it. still not really any closer to where i'd like to be, but more familiar with navigating my way around.
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(make a sound)
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2:44 pm
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d made breakfast and brought it to me in bed today... a warmed buttermilk biscuit from yesterday's breakfast w/ strawberry preserves, some coffee, and a zip fizz. he had oj instead of zip fizz (which doesn't seem to do much for me anyway). he'd brought my medicine an hour earlier, as i'm not supposed to eat for an hour after taking it. so by the time he had breakfast for me, i was awake enough for it. thank goodness he's able to help me through these difficult times. i don't know what i would do otherwise.
a small amount of time in the garden is better than none. i watered the raspberries (new canes trying to come up) and d caged the tomatoes (they're growing nicely, so they'll need them soon). also fertilized the lime tree, which has many blossoms, as does the lemon tree (in a pot), and our neighbor's orange tree (citrus blossoms smell heavenly!). we were disappointed that we didn't get any limes last year; this year we may have both limes and mint for mojitos. the roses were covered in aphids last week. we sprayed them and now they're better, looking like they'll bloom soon. i really hope the small amount of effort we've been able to put into the garden will be rewarded.
i've already spent about another hour or two on work today. d is out now doing the grocery shopping w/o me (we usually go together), and has said that if i want to stay home and work more tonight (rather than attend an industry event w/ him that we both rsvped yes for), he supports that. i hate to not go, but i think he's right that i'll feel better about things if i just stay in and power through some more of it. : /
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(make a sound)
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2:18 am
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so much for coziness. so much for early nights.
i can't sleep, but it's not for lack of trying.
today i woke up between 7 and 8, and was out of bed before 9. if d gives me my medicine, this is what happens lately (thyroid working = wakefulness). i suspect that this is closer to what "normal" feels like.
while i was up, and had a whole weekend in front of me... i decided that however much i didn't want to do it, i NEEDED to face the monolithic project (i hadn't been giving any attention to) that's been causing a lot of my underlying stress these past several months (other than the more obvious reasons i have to feel stressed). so i dove in. i spent about 12 hours on it today, no joke. d pretty much prepared and served me 3 meals; i came downstairs only to eat with him, and to water some plants and see the sun mid-day. luckily he spent some time upstairs with me working on a few of his own things - organizing 2006 & 2007 papers, and applying for yet another job.
the progress i made was only enough to get me back to where i was the last two times i tried. (i got familiar with things, then i didn't touch it again for months due to more immediate needs.) and i mean i really spent 12 solid hours on this today! though i'm happy to be reacquainted with the environment (only because i NEED to be), i would've liked to have more visible progress to show for it.
tomorrow? i doubt i will be up early, and i don't really want to spent another day on this, but i think it wouldn't really be a day wasted if i were trying, and there is just NO concentrating in the office lately. i don't really think working the whole weekend sets me up well for another full week, but i see little choice anymore. (i didn't mention that this project, originally slated for september, was just mentioned in the context of july. hence my panic.) i just can't believe i'm in this position, and i can't really see my way out of it other than through it.
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(make a sound)
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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9:15 pm
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i haven't been writing because there's not much to tell; everything is pretty much the same. after about a week, i notice that my thyroid medicine seems to give me a slight boost in the morning - enough for d to notice - which is great. i can't say that being slightly less tired helps me deal with stress any more effectively, but it is still a slight change for the better. next up, tackling the stress.
things have been busier than busy at work, though my mind has been on things at home. d is waiting on one local opportunity, but had a call today about another non-local one. i've been trying to get our house in order, both literally and figuratively. ...and i've been making more of a conscious effort to physically take care of myself. not just the almost-nightly bubble-baths, but also things in the morning: taking my medicine, making sure i eat breakfast. in addition, i've been trying to wind down more slowly at night, with less light exposure (which could be one of the reasons i'm so activated at night). that means no sitting in front of this large, bright monitor moments before attempting to sleep. i think this all has done me some good.
i'm also enjoying small indulgences where i can find them. for example, i love the feeling of waking up in our cozy bed on saturday morning and not having to be anywhere. during the week i obviously miss out on this. i've long felt that weeknights were a dead zone because they aren't really enough time in which to get things done (other than a quick trip to the grocery store), and my stress never really dissipates from monday to friday. but by making it a point to get in bed earlier, and enjoying the time in which i'm supposed to be getting sleepy ANYway, i recapture part of my week for something restorative. shifting some time from the computer to the bedroom can hardly be a bad thing. now how to shift more time from work to friends, family, and home?
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(make a sound)
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| Monday, March 31st, 2008
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8:58 pm
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today was more hectic than i expected it to be, with some strange fires to fight, organization to tackle, special project to finish, and the usual things i need to do but didn't manage to get to; however, i got through it with little-to-no trouble (other than the mountains of things still left to do).
current mood: busy
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(make a sound)
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| Sunday, March 30th, 2008
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10:37 pm - metacrawler
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weirdness: a spider climbed from the top of my monitor onto the screen while i was surfing the web.
current mood:  surprised
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(make a sound)
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4:41 pm
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we spent the day cleaning the house only to realize how dirty it is, particularly in the nooks and crannies. well, now it's better than it was.
i've been down today, but i need to pull myself up in order to get through the workweek. five days, eight hours (+) in each day, one day at a time, then another very necessary two days off. perhaps this week there will be some good news - news good enough to give us a different outlook. one can hope.
things have me down, but we will soon be spending a week in the caribbean, and i'll call that a success if all we do is stare at the crystal blue sea. i know it's hard to see where our troubles are if we can jet off to anywhere, but troubles there are. the trip was essentially pre-planned and pre-paid, so it's no skin off our teeth. it's the bigger picture that's more troubling.
current mood:  worried
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(make a sound)
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| Saturday, March 29th, 2008
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11:07 pm
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went to a movie and came home to tv. passive entertainment... avoidance-coping, too. lately i feel so brittle and vulnerable about everything. i have a strong desire to preserve the good, and a deep fear of not being able to. i hate the irony of our upcoming forced vacation, which we both feel we don't deserve, and aren't ready to take; yet we know we should be thrilled to have the chance, and grateful that we're so fortunate. i guess i feel that our hold on things is all too tenuous, bound to our jobs, which are themselves revocable in an instant. even a savings (security) buffer doesn't make me sleep much better when i consider how beholden we'll be for so very much longer. i think i'm just scared.
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(make a sound)
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3:33 pm
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more forms and paperwork - things i've been meaning to get to but haven't.
the owl-tree is leafing. d worked in the yard while i was on the phone and computer.
my computer at work is shut down, which means i couldn't log on this weekend even if i wanted to. somehow this makes me more anxious than knowing it's on and that i COULD be working. i think this is a losing battle for me. i have to hang on, though... and hope for better times ahead.
d's job situation is the same, though we think he's being strongly considered for a local opportunity. this might be good, but it's complicated: it could mean slightly diverging from his career path, and we have no idea at this point what the compensation might look like. (hopefully) we'll see.
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(make a sound)
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| Friday, March 28th, 2008
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11:27 pm
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no improvement over the first two days, i'd say, but i'm just happy to be doing something about how i feel. changes, changes, changes always at work, and this week i was less equipped than usual for them. i feel the pressure ratcheting up, and it makes me wonder. can i enjoy this weekend now that i've finally done the last bit of our taxes? if only there weren't other things calling for my attention. i will run a hot bath, at least, and read.
current mood:  tired
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(make a sound)
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miabella's journal